Blink Blink Breathe
by SeverinadeStrango
Summary: Much to Harry Potter's horror, the dark lord Voldemort has risen again. However, he seems to have forgotten some of the basic human instincts. Oh no! What will the death eaters do to help their evil leader?
1. Chapter 1

**Blink, Blink, Breathe.**

**By: SeverinadeStrango**

**A Harry Potter Fanfiction**

** Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. If I did own Harry Potter I would have killed him.**

** Summary: The feared Dark Lord Voldemort has risen again. Only...without memory of his basic instincts. Oh no! What will the Death Eaters do?**

**Author's Note: This is purely written for my own enjoyment. If you wish to review, please do so, but NO FLAMES PLEASE.**

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><p><em>Please let it drown, <em>Harry thought, _please let it have gone wrong!_

But even as he thought, there was no blocking out the slimy figure that was slowly rising from the cauldron, with the scarlet eyes and the flat, snakelike nose.

Lord Voldemort had risen again.

There was no mistaking the look of terror on the young Gryffindor's face as the merciless Dark Lord walked over to Wormtail, the cowering man on the grass.

"Wormtail – hold out your arm," Voldemort's voice was high, cold and clear.

A look of relief passed over the man's face and he held out his bloody stump of a right arm. "Master- thank you, master-"

"The other arm, Wormtail!" Wormtail glared, then reluctantly held out his left arm – the arm branded with the skull and snake. Voldemort gripped his bone – white wand and dug the tip into the fleshy dark mark branded on Wormtail's arm. As Harry watched, countless death eaters landed around them. Among them were Lucius Malfoy, Goyle and Crabbe Sr., and Severus Snape. There were also random death eaters, and since we have no current knowledge of their names, I declare they all shall be known as BOB.

"My loyal followers," Voldemort began, "I have been awaiting this for the past thirteen years! Not one of you tried to find me! Crabbe! Goyle! Lucius! Sever-" he stopped, his eyes watering. Suddenly, he began to scream. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYES! OH, THE PAIN! AAAAAHHHHHH!" Harry looked at him quizzically. I mean, come on! The most feared evil lord of all time HAD FORGOTTEN HOW TO BLINK.

Voldemort grabbed Severus by the shoulders and began shaking him like he was trying to cause and earthquake. "SNAPE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SMART, SHOW ME WHAT TO DO, ANYTHING TO STOP THIS TERRIBLE PAIN!"

Severus blinked.

"NOOOO YOU IDIOT!" Lord Voldemort screamed, his eyes bloodshot, tears rolling down his face. "SHOW ME WHAT TO DO! CRUCIO!" Bob#1 and Bob #2 were having a quiet conversation as Severus's body was wildly jerked around by pain. After about 5 minutes of torture time, the double – agent picked himself up off the ground.

"My lord- that is what you are supposed to do- you BLINK." The Dark Lord reconsidered this thought.

"AND…AND HOW DO YOU DO THIS CURE CALLED BLINKING? I CAN'T STAND THE PAAAAAIN!" Severus warily backed out of the way as Voldemort lunged for the nearest man- Lucius Malfoy. Bob #1,897 sneezed.

"MALFOY! TELL ME HOW TO BLINK!" Voldemort looked ready to explode.

In the corner, Harry Potter was laughing so hard he thought he might vomit. In fact, he DID. All over the ropes binding him, and they disintegrated at the touch of his stomach acid. Potter dropped to the ground, slimy and covered with puke, but free, unnoticed by the death eaters! _ I really should get back,_ Harry thought as he grabbed Cedric's dead body, _but this is too good to miss!_

Malfoy looked around at his fellow death eaters for assistance, bu t they all had taken at least three steps away from him. He turned back to his dark lord.

"My lord, you close your eyelids over your eyeballs, therefore rehydrating your eyes, which you so desperately need. Therefore, you _blink,_" Malfoy enunciated the word _ blink _as he blinked slowly.

"Oh," said Voldemort. "I – I guess I could _try _ it," and he lowered his eyelids over the red balls of flesh that were his eyes, and said, "blink."

Lucius and Severus exchanged glances at each other.

"Oh my!" exclaimed Voldemort, "It worked! I must never let this terrible pain happen again! Therefore, I must blink a lot! Bwahaha!"

Many death eaters were now gawking at their blinking dark lord.

"Blink!" said Voldemort, "Blink blink blink!" He repeatedly opened and shut his eyelids. Lucius leaned over and whispered in Severus's ear.

"Should we tell him?"

Snape smirked.

"No, I don't think so." For once, the insufferable brat Potter was right, this was just too good to miss!

In the corner, Harry grabbed the triwizard cup and spun back to Hogwarts. Bob #246 lunged for him, but he was too late.

"My- my lord, Harry Potter just escasped."

A look of rage passed over Voldemort's face.

"NOOOOOO! blink blink I CAN'T BELIVE blink blink YOU PITIFUL EXCUSES FOR WIZARDS blink blink LET HIM ESCAPE!" Unlike the usual, the death eaters were not quivering in fear or begging not to be killed.

"blink." said Voldemort.

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><p><strong>So, then again, it is not necessarily one of my best stories. What do you guys think? More chapters will be coming soon! (Like during this week)<strong>

**- Severina**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Blink (again)**

THE MORNING AFTER THE BLINKING INCIDENT

Malfoy Manor was peaceful and quiet. All the Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort were either asleep or just rising, but that was not to last for very long.

In the fifth guest room of the third floor of Malfoy Manor, Severus Snape was slumped over in a chair, his face plastered to the pages of an evil spell book he had been reading last night.

As he slowly woke up, thoughts from the last night slowly came back.

_Finally I'm awake, _he thought, _I had this horrible nightmare that the Dark Lord forgot how to blink…..oh yeah, and then he tortured me. Thank goodness it wasn't real…..or was it?_

His head jerked up at approximately the speed of light. DID it happen? He looked down. His black robes were slightly torn from where he had been thrown at least three feet in the air and landed rather uncomfortably…

Yep, it was real.

Three floors above and below…. a strange sound could be heard.

"AAAAAAAAARGH!" Bob #56, #4, #16, various other Bobs, Lucius Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange shot bolt upright in their beds, chairs, or whatever the heck they were sleeping in/on. And to them as well, the events of last night began to come back.

Two minutes later, Lucius Malfoy showed up at Severus's door combing what looked like pink straightening gel through his hair. He uttered two words.

"Last. Night."

"Yep, real. I even remembered-"

"-that Potter escaped through means of vomit?" He shuddered at the thought. _No, _thought Lucius inwardly, _must remain calm, or else I will not get the best results in my hair straightening. _ Being a Legilimens, Severus looked in to Lucius's mind and instantly had to suppress the urge to laugh evilly.

"Do you think that he's still doing- you know-_it?_"

There was a moment of awkward silence as the both of them recalled the horrors of last night. Severus looked at Lucius, and then strode down the hall, up to the fourth floor, and put his ear up to the door of the thirteenth bedroom. From there, a faint noise could be heard.

"blink (snore) blink blink(snore)"

The two death eater's eyes widened in horror.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" They ran down the stairs before the Dark Lord caught them. While they were running for their lives, Severus crashed into Lucius, who bumped into the wall, smearing pink straightening gel everywhere. Lucius stared at the wall, then fell to his knees and started punching himself.

"What the heck?" Severus was doubled over in silent evil laughter behind Lucius.

"That was TEN wasted Galleons! Right there!" Lucius pointed to the wall angrily.

"You spent THAT much on hair product?"

"They were having a 70% sale…."

Severus couldn't take it anymore (and personally I don't blame him) so he pointed his wand at the nearest item, which happened to be Lucius's tube of hair straightening gel, yelled "confrigo!" and dived out of the way.

The tube of gel exploded.

And what do you know? Just then, Bellatrix Lestrange decided to walk up the stairs.

"Hey Lucy. Another unicorn throw up on you? hahahahaha[explosion]hahahahah[another explosion] haha!"

Severus mentally slapped himself, then walked downstairs, into the room he was using, and fell faceforward on his bed. Unfortunately, there was already someone – or to be more precise something – on it.

"Nagini. Now's not the best time."

Nagini looked hurt.

"_Awwww!" _She whined in parseltounge. Nagini liked to spend time with Severus. He was the only Death Eater parslemouth that wasn't making a fool of himself 50% of the time (coughVOLDYcough)._"What happened," _she hissed, "_ðid Bellatrix the strange forget to take anti-loony pills?" _Nagini cracked up at her own joke, then, still laughing maniacally, she slithered out of the room to go check upstairs. Sheesh. Talk about the strange.

Severus repaired the tear in his robes and walked downstairs. On the second floor staircase, Bob#23 and Bob #4 were in a heated dueling match. Again. _Seriously, _Severus thought as a crucio curse went flying past his ear, _can I go for five SECONDS without almost being killed? Pleeeeeeeeease?" _Of course, that was too good to happen.

Nagini slithered down the stairs at top speed, which was about 7 miles per hour. What _did _happen that made everything (especially Snape) seem out of whack? That question was soon answered.

On the second floor of Malfoy manor, the cold – blooded killer, Lord Voldemort was sitting at the head of a long table, a wicked grin on his face.

"Nagini, my dear. Our blink plan is almost complete! Then you will blink get your reward blink!" Nagini looked up hopefully. What would she get? A new barbie doll to shred to pieces? A new unicorn toy to kill over thirty times?

"You will get to eat blink the remains blink blink of the great Harry Potter!" Nagini's eyes bulged ( if that was even possible for a snake) and she stuck out her tounge.

"BBBL—BLLLL- BLEARCH!" Poor Nagini blew rat chunks all over the floor. "Harry Potter?" Nagini hissed in dismay, "What in the WORLD would make you think that I would want to eat that lump of gryffindork?" She then slithered off to the bathroom to avoid getting snake vomit all over the floor again.

Sighing, Voldemort rubbed his head. Nagini and the other Death Eaters, well, they just didn't understand the mastermind of him. As if to prove his (false) point, Bellatrix Lestrange skipped into the room, doing her usual "good morning" routine.

"Hellomylordgoodmor-

've—"

"!" said Voldemort, eyes bugging out in terror, "YOU AREN'T BLINKING!"

"WHAT!" shrieked Bellatrix, "I am TOO. No Death Eater or muggle shall blink more than ME! !"

A cricket chirped.

By 7:00 am, the Death Eaters were gathered in the second floor for breakfast, a giant cookie, served by Narcissa Malfoy, who unveiled it with a flourish.

" I call it the explosion!" There was three seconds of awkward silence. Then it exploded pink icing everywhere.

Lucius combed it through his hair, hoping to find a replacement for that one-hundredth of an ounce of gel.

"THIS STUFF IS SOOOOO CHEAP!" He angrily tossed down his pink fluffy unicorn-princess comb and stormed out of the room. Severus watched him go, a trademark death stare plastered on his pale face. Nagini awkwardly placed her tail on his shoulder.

"We will live." Nagini said solemnly. "Look, I'm part of Voldy's _soul. _ Can't complain now, can ya?"

"QUIET, my minions!" Voldemort slammed down his fist on the table, gluing it down with pink icing. "We have a new evil plot – wait - YOU AREN'T BLINKING!"

There were mumbles of "yes we are" and "what?" and various other things.

"BLINK!" yelled Lord Voldemort. The death eaters blinked.

"We blink have a new plan blink to kill blink Harry Potter! We will blink distract him from blinking, therefore blink causing him to suffer blink extreme agony, and eventually die! !" Two hundred mouths fell open.

"But, my Lord," said Bob #56, "you just can't stop a person from bli-"

"SHUT UP! CRUCIO!" Lord Voldemort was mad. "We will blink carry out blink the plan!"

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><p><strong>Awww, poor Bob #56. I don't think anyone wants to be crucio'd by Lord Voldemort.<strong>

**Review or Nagini will give you a hug! (I don't see why you wouldn't want a hug from a cute little snake, but can you still review anyways?) **

**- Severina**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (A.K.A. the annoying gryffindork)! **

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><p><strong><span>C<span>****hapter Three: Breathe (inhaleexhaleinhaleexhale)**

At Hogwarts, Harry Potter entered the Gryffindor common room with his goody-goody best pals, Ron and Hermione.

"Can you _believe _it?" Ron exclaimed, Cedric Diggory just _dies, _and no one believes you-know-who is back? Tell the gits, Harry!"

"I _did," _said Harry, "but not too many people would believe the Dark Lord actually forgot how to blink."

Hermione laughed, choked on her own spit, and died. Ron gasped. "Harry, you killed my girlfriend! _Avada Kedavra!" _ Harry jumped out of the way, shaking his head. Half the time, he didn't know WHY he hung out with that idiot.

In the forbidden forest, close to Hogwarts, Lord Voldemort waited with his death eaters. "Nagini," he hissed, a wicked grin creeping up on his face, "you will get blink your reward soon." Nagini passed out.

Voldemort looked quizzically at his snake/horcrux, then rolled his red eyes. Where was Snape? He was SUPPOSED to assign Potter a detention in the grounds, getting him close enough to Voldemort, so he could carry out the plan.

One minute. Two minutes. Three. Four. No Potter. Voldemort exploded a bush near Dolohov and Bob #7 in rage.

"Hey, twit at three o'clock!" Everyone's heads turned east. Or north. Or northeast – hey, I GIVE UP. They looked at a small pumpkin patch near Hagrid's cabin. (is THAT good enough for you? Is it? IS IT?) Harry Potter, glasses and big butt included, was walking towards the patch. He then got to his knees and started pulling out long weeds with slimy roots. Yuck.

In the woods, Voldemort gave the signal (sticking his fingers in his ears and sticking out his tongue) to the death eaters (minus Snape) and leapt out in front of Harry. "Bwahahahaha! I am the evil Lord Voldemort-"

"I KNOW your name!" Harry yelled.

"I'm going blink to kill you!" Screamed Voldy.

"No you're not!" Harry stuck his tongue out.

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not! You tried to kill me as a BABY and it didn't work!"

"I DON'T blink CARE. Now I'm blink going to kill you."

"We've been going like this for three minutes and you haven't even taken out your wand yet!"

"What – oh." Voldemort took out his wand. "NOW I'm going to kill you blink!"

Harry stomped his feet. "You're more annoying than RON!" Somewhere in the distance, "AVADA KEDAVRA" could be heard. Harry went back to weeding. Lord Voldemort got red in the face.

"Ooh, look, a butterfly!"

"WHERE?" Harry yelled, jumping up and down, trying to find the non-existing butterfly.

"MUAHAHAblinkHAHA!" Voldemort smiled. He then sat down on a rock and waited for the agony of not blinking to begin.

Thirty minutes later, Harry Potter was still chasing an imaginary butterfly, and Lord Voldemort had not heard a single blink from him. "DIE ALREADY!" He yelled, "OR AT LEAST SCREAM blink IN AGONY!"

Harry turned around, _very _confused. "_Why?"_ he asked, trying not to go hysterical with laughter.

Voldemort nearly exploded. HOW SMALL OF A BRAIN DID POTTER HAVE?

"''MNOTHUMAN…!" Voldemort was only halfway through the list of things that he wanted to yell at Harry, but somehow couldn't speak, er, yell, anymore. And he thought that was bad. After ten minutes, a compressing pain began to settle on his chest. After thirty seconds, he started to turn blue.

"Breathe, my lord! Breathe!" yelled Bob #30.

"Brea-th-e-!" wheezed Voldemort, but nothing happened.

"No!" yelled Bob #30, "inhale! _Suck in._"

"Inhale-! said Voldemort, weary with relief. He wouldn't die! That relief was soon to be gone. He began to get _very_ dizzy. His lungs felt like they were going to explode. "HEEEblinkEELP!" he yelled. Nagini passed out again.

Bob #30 was growing tired of this. What was he, the breathing instructor?

"Yes, you are." Snape, being a Legilimens, had read his mind. Snape pointed at the badge Bob #30 was wearing.

Breathing Instructor

"NOOOOOO!" Bob #30 pointed his wand at himself, yelled, "Avada Kedavra!" and killed himself.

_Great_, Snape thought, _I'm stuck with "Voldy" now._

"Yes, you are." Bob #9, also a Legilimens, had read Snape's mind. He had the sudden urge to follow Bob #30's lead and kill himself. "You might as well help him, if he dies he's gonna kill you." Snape picked up Bob #9 and chucked him in a bush.

`"Blow out, exhale!" Snape yelled, feeling particularly sorry for himself at that moment.

"Exhale…ahhh." said Voldemort. "Now, inhale, my faithful blink death exhale eaters, inhale, blink,…Hey!"

Boy, was Voldy mad. All the death eaters had passed out.

Voldemort could feel himself exploding inwardly. I mean, come on, it's not like _they _were blinking or breathing or something.

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><p><strong>Looks like Voldemort is mad...(oops, I said his name)<strong>

**You'd better duck! [I duck as an "avada kedavra" goes flying over my head]**

**- Severina**


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